Currently Listening Infinity on High By Fall Out Boy This Ain't a Scene, It's An Arms Race see related

number eleven

I think it’s sad that it has taken 92 days for me to experience enough to type another entry.

Let me start off by saying that I haven’t really been depressed in a while.  I can think of only one reason for this: I am over Caitlin, but that shouldn’t be enough to completely negate my depression.  Oh well.  I guess I can’t complain.

Over the past 3 months the loneliness has only gotten worse.  Aside from working, I have been extremely bored.  For some reason, I don’t get many chances to see David.  Landon was recently hired at a real full-time job, so he is only free on the weekend, when I work most.  He is also trying to change, which restricts his availability even more.

I met a really awesome girl…online.  I don’t want to sound like a nerd, actually...i don't care, but I’m really picky and there isn’t much of a selection in Michigan City.  Her name is Alison and she lives in Rensselaer.  We have been talking since October, but she is really shy, so I won’t be able to actually meet her for another while.

I’m trying to get into college, but I haven’t applied anywhere except PNC…so maybe I’m not, but I want to.  I also want to get another job…but not really.

That’s all for now.

Currently Listening The Black Parade By My Chemical Romance see related

tedious monotony

Currently Listening All The Stars And Boulevards By Augustana Boston see related

number ten

I don’t really want to put this in an entry, but just in case anyone was wondering, this is what has been going on with me.

Ten days ago, I had a face-to-face conversation with Caitlin in an attempt to get things off my chest.  We socialized for a good hour, which reminded me what a good friend she was.  Then, it got serious and I said what I planned on saying: the fact that she gradually broke it off with me instead of cutting the cord led my subconscious to believe that she really wasn’t over me.  There was no agreeable solution presented on either side, as expected.

I went to urinate, where I found more confidence.  I returned and asked for the straight forward explanation of why she broke up with me.  I had gotten this answer before, but it was never straight forward.  “You were a jerk.”  I also found another piece of information that I had not known before.  She WANTED to break up with me.  Whatever, I’m not surprised.  In the end, it turned out to be a good talk, she agreed to hang out with me every other week or so, and she apologized for lying to protect my feelings.

This meeting got me thinking…a lot…and here is my conclusion.  It has been more than twenty months since she has broken up with me, and my heart has not gotten any closer to moving on.  There HAS to be a reason for that.  My theory is that she is actually NOT over me.  (I try not to be optimistic, but sometimes I can’t help it.)  I think that she waited for me to learn how to treat people and get it together the first time we broke up, and I think that is what she’s doing now…or at least I hope.  There are times when I said things just for confirmation, and she didn’t give me any. Maybe that’s why she agreed to hang out with me…even though she knows I still love her.

The only thing I’m sure of is that I wish love was much simpler.  I wish one could turn off his/her feelings with the flip of a switch.  I also know that I called her two hours ago and told her to call me back when she wasn’t busy.  No response yet.  There is a war being fought between optimism and pessimism.  Right now, optimism is winning…only because it has to.  If my theory cannot be proven…I simply don’t know what I’ll do, but it won’t be pretty.